Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The last day

This is a time to think about resolutions but I nver make any based on the premise that I rarely keep promises made to myself. I just do things one fine day and it's never on the new year. This last year has seen so many positive changes for us. We moved into our own house, bought our first car, anshuman won a quiz for the second year in a row and most important of all I got a job I love.
For the first time I feel a little sad seeing this year end. I've been so happy in it. I want this happiness to spill over and double itself in the new year. I sometimes feel that's too much to ask...will things continue the way they are or there will be daunting challenges to be face. Either ways I am as ready as I will ever be for the future to unfold.
As a tradition on this blog. I will thank the people who have made this year so worthwhile. My mother for talking to me even when there's nothing much to say. My father for his infectious joy. My sister for fighting with circumstances so gracefully. Papa Kishore for being a constant source of encouragement. Anna and Mukul for all their love. Ninna for being the best little dog in the whole world.
All my friends in Dubai for their companionship and generous hospitality. Zaid my boss for making work so enriching. Gazal for her consistent comments and deep friendship. Swasti for being far yet so close.
Last but not the least Anshuman, for being my best friend, lover and fellow traveller in life.
So thank you all for making this year one of the best I have ever had. At the end of this post I feel uplifted and not so sad after all as I realise I am taking you all with me to the next year.

Happy new year!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

No comment

There's no comment on my last post. Clearly Gazal has not had the time to come by. Sigh where are you my faithful friend :)

Monday, December 22, 2008

The Leo Burnett pencil

For the first time I stole. A Leo Burnett pencil in office. I have also 'borrowed' a notepad, eraser and a blade. In my defence I need these things and they are all over the office. I had to 'borrow' them because I had already requested my boss to give me the Leo Burnett Notebook which he did so I felt stupid asking for a pencil. So I took someone else's. Again in my defence that person had three of them.
I love this fat black pencil with it's smooth dark lead. It is such a pleasure to write with it that I have filled several pages of the big notepad. I am not a genius so amazing things to write about are hard to come by so I write the songs that I listen to. Since I know all the lyrics I try to race with the singer and as you can imagine I always lose in the end because there's no way I can write as fast as Mark Knopfler sings.
I am trying to improve my handwriting which has greatly suffered since I switched to computers. I used to have a good handwriting and now it's not half bad, as in half of it is actually good and then for some inexplicable reason it changes and become illegible. I enjoy it anyway, the physical act of writing is somehow always so soothing.
Love the pencil. Would steal it again if I had to.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

secret santa image post

discovering the thong

opening the present

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Secret Santa

so there's something called as secret santa in the office. You pick out the name of a coleague and give them a gift. I gave someone earrings which she loved. Someone gave me a purse and a thong. I am dying to know who this was. heh heh

Monday, December 15, 2008

Being Boss

So there was something called IPC today in office which basically means Internal Review. I still don't know what IPC stands for. then there is GPC which stands Global Something Something review which someone other than the agency does. So each ad is rated on a scale of one to ten. The boss of my boss made a presentation to his big bosses and they made judgement never moving beyond 5 to 7 points. The feedback though directed at the whole team is mostly taken by one lone wolf- the boss. One might think that its cushy to be boss, telling people what to do but I understood that the boss has to take the hits for his team just as much as the applause and sometimes at a public forum.
There was a long presentation of ads from various branches of the company and it was an excellent mix of learning and fun. It's amazing how much fun advertising can be and the keen insight you need into human behaviour to be effective at it. It's sad that I discovered advertising at such a late age. I'm glad I'm here now though. And I love it. So here's to my Boss's Boss- You were graceful at all times!

Sunday, December 14, 2008


I found my temper today as opposed to losing it. It truly tells me that I have grown older and wiser. This woman in office pissed me off as hell. She is thin and pretty and believes that she is God's gift to mankind. She has a constant smug smile on her face. She never says hello. Today she pointed out a mistake in my copy and when i asked her to call the person concerned to cross check she spread her hands like her fingers will fall off if she makes one call. What an A-class bitch.
Point is that I got really angry and wanted to slap her. the Parul 10 years ago would have. I have slapped people when I was younger. Today I just bitched about her to my boss and left it at that. then I had a big lunch and everything began getting better with my first bite of the delicious dessert. Although I am hoping that she will piss me off just one more time and I WILL slap her this time. What a bitch.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


I am in Dubai. Came to work like a good girl and have done some little work. the weather outside is beautiful, not too warm and not too cold so you can't decide whether you should wear a jacket or not. My boss is playing guitar with a colleague on bongos. I know that sounds strange but it's the truth. I should probably offer to do a belly dance but I will settle for Inxs on itunes. I might have to stay here late today, proofreading and signing releases. Sounds like bad sex. It's actually worse.
I love John Irving's books. I've read all of them with the exception of 'The imaginary girlfriend' and 'the 52 pound marriage' ( that's what it's called I think) Yesterday there was a movie on TV based on one of his books called 'A prayer for Owen Meany' The movie is called 'Simon Birch' I really liked the book and kind of like the movie. A movie rarely manages to get the essence of the book. Few exceptions are Godfather, Good intentions, Kiterunner and some others i can't remember right now.
New development in my life is that there is a tradition in office that on christmas there is something known as the secret santa. They put everyone's name in a bag and you choose one name and buy them a gift which they get on christmas. So I have agreed to participate. I hope I will make a new friend. let's see.
Ninna has come home smelling like a baby from Dr Elizabeth's place. They use baby shampoo to wash her. She is such a sweetheart. I miss her when I m at work. To sit at home with Ninna by my side even working all day feels like nothing. In office sitting on a chair looking at a computer with nothing to do can sometimes feel impossible and alone.
Delhi trip was good. Great spending time with Mummy , Papa and Mini. Did lots of shopping.
I am proud of the fact that ever since i decided to use this space like a journal, I've been pretty consistent in writing. The importance that I used to attach to comments is greatly diminished even though I like them when they turn up every now and then. It's a good feeling to write for the sheer pleasure of writing.

Thursday, December 04, 2008


the last post was the 200th post. I am going to Delhi tomorrow. Was pretty homesick for some time. Actually that's not true because I am homesick most of the time. Always ready to go to India. It's a short trip and I wish I had more time but I have to come back and join work. These days work is slow like a love song. But it's tough to hear the same song everyday...

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

3 songs

you can spend a whole day on the shoulders of three good songs.


I downloaded a song for the first time and it's such an exciting thing. I don't know why I never did it before and kept asking anshuman to do it for me. He finally gave up today because he is very busy. His workload has increased and he talks to himself more than usual. Sometimes I think this apparition he speaks to talks back.

Ah another song is over yippie!

Sunday, November 30, 2008


took three days sick leave because my nose was filled with vile substances, throat with enlarged tonsils and one ear with i-dont-know-what. All in all it was hard to breathe and i either had fever or was feverish most of the time. So I took sick leave and slept most afternoons in a dreamless sleep and ninna slept by my side. she licked my face periodically resulting is the short periods of time that i actually felt better.
I got various advice from many quarters. But honestly there's no cure for the common cold. Really. I hate going to a doctor without at least having actual fever as opposed to feeling feverish. I have a good boss who is very understanding so thank God for that.
And now here I am back at work listening to George Michael crooning away on itunes. Coughing away periodically with an abrasive throat. Oh that was a bad one! I've noticed that George Michael can be quite depressing when he chooses. I enjoy Eagles very much and for some reason these lines are my favorite-

I'm a standing on a corner
In winslow, arizona
And such a fine sight to see
It's a girl, my lord, in a flatbed Ford
slowin' down to take a look at me
Come on, baby, don't say maybe
I gotta know if your sweet love is
Gonna save me

I recently read one third of a book which explains the Thoth tarot. Thoth is an Egyptian God and the Thoth tarot is inspired by Egyptian mythology. I slogged through it because I am in love with the images. They are full of symbols and geometrical designs which have the power to mesmerise you. The meanings and interpretations are altogether something else. I haven't even come to the meanings of the individual cards. Just the introduction to the Qabalah which is necessary to understand the thoth tarot, is a complex affair. I have to get back to that book. It tires me and yet I want to learn more. I don't know how much I actually understand.

I made a painting on my living room wall which I didn't like so I painted something else over it which I again didn't like so I made a white border which is whiter that the rest of the wall so now it all looks rather strange. I will post a picture.

Last but not the least I have been trying not to watch tv. Mostly because I am unable to help what's happened and joining a group on facebook or wearing black clothes today seems trivial. Symbols are powerful but they can only go so far. A candle eventually burns out. The question is what should an individual do to ensure this doesn't happen again? I honestly don't know.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

slow motion

it's like fuzzy cream colored warm clouds covering you from head to toes, releasing a sense of well being in small doses so that you almost fall asleep in your chair with a pen in your hand, sleeping on the paper. Songs flow like honey through your veins and your blood sugar gets dangerously high resulting in the sweetest of benign smiles that you just cannot control. You begin to write in amazingly long sentences without stopping to take a breath as your face feels warm and your fingernails type slowly, ever so slowly making no mistakes whatsoever because of the sheer slowness of movement. Everything is in slow motion like a plesant dream. And I wonder why I didn't bring my book? Am I getting a fever? Is it the jacket I'm wearing or the first time I had lunch with another person?

words about words

short words in small sentences bring me comfort of expression. I think I am not particularly high on the list of folks good with vocabulary. In fact I consistently lose at scrabble and have never finished a crossword puzzle. I have made crossword puzzles as part of my job at one point but never have i solved one. And yet I love writing. I don't feel stuck for a particular word and increasingly I get the feeling that big words leave too much room for speculation of it's meaning. I choose to be exact rather than sound intelligent but ultimately vague. Am I being judgemental to a particular kind of writing? Probably yes. I have little patience trying to string together big words and then deciphering the meaning. Say what you have to say, don't say a lot just because you can... I feel.
Although I may feel this way simply because of my inability to form long meaningful sentences with large words that have a beauty of their own which I totally miss.

Monday, November 17, 2008


last night i was sitting at home by the open window. anshuman and a friend were having a drink and I was enjoying the breeze, the conversation. Ninna was asleep and it struck me- this is happiness. The stuff that passes by quietly almost like a thief is...happiness.

Sunday, November 09, 2008


music can trigger very specific memories. We all know that so I'm going to list down my triggers and I invite you all to do the same. I think it will be an interesting exercise.

So far away- Dire Straits

Being on the phone on a rainy day trying to hear the voice at the other end. Standing under the girls hostel as people screamed for people to come down. Me either waiting or talking on the ancient payphone with a six digit number, and staring at the message on the blackboard written by someone- so and so called for parul

Desert rose- Sting

Sleeping in the bus from sharjah to dubai. feeling the waves of airconditioning and clutching my bag for warmth. The mp3 player singing and the sands of dubai going past as we took the outermost road to avoid the traffic...the sun coming through the windows.

Small blue thing- Suzanne Vega

This memory is not limited to this song...there are many songs which remind me of sitting on the computer at AVON Classic in Borivli and chatting with strange people out of boredom. The point was to listen to the songs and the chatting was by the way and the rain was invariably kissing my face.

Honeymoon Suite- Suzanne Vega

This is a song which talks about a woman's vision/dream in her honeymoon suite. There's a line which says something about the husband having missed all that happened in the room that night. The memory attached to this song is of Anshuman being on the computer for hours and me feeling ignored, silly newly wed that I was back then. It was a feeling of surprised hurt.

I'm ready - Bryan Adams

This one always takes me back to my basement in which i stayed for about a year. I danced alone to this song. It played on my red panasonic mono cassette player. I loved it. It went on to become one of our favorite songs.

Take on me- A-ha

This song is sooo MTV in the early eighties I think. I loved the video and recorded it on tape which I still have. The memory is of the brilliant Aarti Sharma who disappeared somewhere in the US of A after doing her BSc in Physics from St Stephens. We were classmates and she likedSun always shines on TV( also by A-ha) better.

Big space- Suzanne Vega
the time I wrote poem after poem every day and every night. It was a strange time because I was happy and yet somehow disconnected.

I have to go home now so another post will soon follow...till then think about your songs and memories .

a girl in love

a girl i know, walks with her hips swinging behind her and her breasts enter the room before her. She wears mascara every day with glossy blue eyeshadow. Her clothes vary from less to very less and depending on that a percentage of her skin breathes fresh air in places most women try to hide.
I realised today this girl stands next to a dark good looking man in the smoking area and a glow comes to her face which casts a net of beauty on her aura despite everything that I dislike about her. I like watching her at these times. This man is handsome and quite oblivious or appears to be so. He is always there with another man and she stands between them never looking at his companion. She laughs throwing her head back in gay abandon, touches the delicate necklace that hangs between the swell of her bosom. He smiles and they blow smoke almost at her face and she is unfazed even though she doesn't smoke. She smiles and looks adoringly at the dark handsome man. She is beautiful. In that moment all the make up, all the anatomocal jokes I can think of and all the brevity of attire can't take away her beauty.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

unfinished post

I just found this half written post which simply says -A quiet dirt road Why did I write that? I have no idea. I think it's like reading your diary and getting confused about what you could possibly have been thinking when you scribbled some strange thing. People have a habit of signing their name on pieces of paper. Some people overwrite till the letters become fat and unreadable. Some people write a phrase over and over again. I write these words at least once everyday- ' These things have always been the same, why worry now' They are words from a song called Why worry by Dire Straits. I've been writing them for years and years. It's a good thing to remember. I think. A quiet dirt road hmmmm.... I still can't imagine what the next line could be.

yippi dee yippi doo

I got my tarot cards and two books so yay! The deck is called Thoth Tarot deck and both the books explain the deck. I have been reading one of the books and it's all quite mysterious. even the cards are really amazing, so vibrant and alive with colour and imagery.
It's the most amazing deck i have. so happy.
no work since the morning...i'm sure exactly at 5:30 i will have something to to do. I really like Heart. Their music is so lovely and the woman has a beautiful voice. love it love it love it.

hurting feet

I like cheese croissants and pasta with white sauce. I think white food is better than red food with the exception of Indian food. It was diwali yesterday and we celebrated by lighting candles and diya and did pooja. The pooja consisted of lighting a diya, closing our eyes and saying a silent prayer then Anshuman said this prayer- 'Congratulations Ramji for defeating Rawan. Please give is strength that we may be able to defeat our inner and outer rawanas. Bless Anna-Papa, Mummy-Papa, Mini and Mukul.'
Then I lit the diyas and candles. Then I realised we didn't have tomatoes so I went to Ibn Batutta mall which is the closest mall and has a hypermarket. That's the thing here. It's not like Sharjah where you could call the grocery downstairs and ask for a lone lemon. In a hypermarket you will invariably remember things you need to buy and stuff your shopping cart which is what I did. Then ran after taxis that do not want to take you to Discovery Garden because it is too close.
Finally reached home and cooked. My feet hurt at the end of it all but it was a satisfying hurt and hurting feet feel wonderful in a warm comforter.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Suzanne Vega

I am sure that I have written about her before, posted a picture even. What I wanted to say was that I love the way she writes especially because she is so matter of fact about things which make a normal person emotional and soggy. I wish I could try to be that objective all the time but I am only human with sensitive emotions.
I like one song in particular which is also probably her most famous. She sits in a cafe and describes the scene exactly as she expeirences it and it becomes poetic...only in the last lines she lets on a speck of feeling which becomes so much more effective as compared to a usual love song. Here's the song. Hear it if you get the time

Tom's diner

I am sittingIn the morning
At the diner
On the corner
I am waiting
At the counter
For the man
To pour the coffee
And he fills it
Only halfway
And before
I even argue
He is looking
Out the window
At somebodyComing in
"It is alwaysNice to see you"
Says the man
Behind the counter
To the woman
Who has come in
She is shaking
Her umbrella
And I lookThe other way
As they are kissing
Their hellos
I'm pretending
Not to see them
InsteadI pour the milk
I openUp the paper
There's a story
Of an actor
Who had died
While he was drinking
It was no oneI had heard of
And I'm turning
To the horoscope
And looking
For the funnies
When I'm feeling
Someone watching me
And soI raise my head
There's a woman
On the outside
Looking inside
Does she see me?
No she does not
Really see me
Cause she sees
Her own reflection
And I'm trying
Not to notice
That she's hitching
Up her skirt
And while she's
Straightening her stockings
Her hair
Has gotten wet
Oh, this rain
It will continue
Through the morning
As I'm listening
To the bells
Of the cathedral
I am thinking
Of your voice...
And of the midnight picnic
Once upon a time
Before the rain began...
I finish up my coffee
It's time to catch the train

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Blabber on blog

It's strange how TV and internet changes the quality of life. You end up watching whether you want to or not. And when you have the facility to log on you will invariably log on whether you really want to or not. And you will write about inane stuff on your blog which two and a half people might read. That's ok I like those two and a half people.
So I put up paintings in the house and realised it's been really really long since I painted. I came pretty close several times but then let the feeling pass. I do want to paint but I tire myself just thinking about it. It's easier to blabber on my blog.
Anshuman is whistling downstairs trying to get the dog to listen. She rarely does. Anshuman has a particular kind of whistle so at least she recognises it. On the other hand I can't whistle the same way twice. Anshuman whistles by making an O and then breathing air in. How can anyone do that. I thought everyone blew outwards then I met Anshuman and he showed his appreciation by whistling at me.
The good thing about this house is that it's on the first floor so going up and down is quick. You can see the landscaped gardens from the window. Sometimes when we go to work in the morning the dog looks at us forlornly through the window and I feel so sad but what can I do. I wish someone would pay me to blabber on my blog.

Empty hours

I find my job very easy. All I have to do is write and I like doing that anyway. It's those times when I don't have work that I am completely at a loss. After checking my email 20 times and then checking my facebook profile 40 times I now have no clue how to spend the next 2 and a half hours.
I am expecting a package Barnes and Noble sent via the cheapest mail possible. If you ever order something off the internet make sure you get it on registered mail so that it has what is called a tracking number so that the customes and postal dept people can keep track of where your package is. I ordered the Thoth Tarot deck and two books that explain the deck and now i am thinking it was all a waste.
I have been chasing this deck for a long time now and it is very elusive. My friends have searched for it almost all over Europe and not found it. So finally I ordered it online and it's not here. I am so sad about that. I love tarot decks and collect them passionately. I now have a center table whoch houses them in style (pics soon)
Today I went home during lunch. I take precisely 15 mins to have lunch normally. 9 minutes spent on dessert. Anyway an engineer came from du and connected the cable tv, internet and landline so now we are connected. All the while i kept feeling guilty for being away from office. Office can be quite a mental prison that way and a physical one too in a sense.
And now I've run out of things to say so I say bye bye

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


I recently learnt that COB means close of business. Well COB is only an hour and a half away and I am sitting and dreaming about getting a taxi as soon as i step out of the building. The driver being actually happy to drive me home. Me hurrying up the stairs outside the bulding. The door opens instantly without me having to insert the building code. The lift being on the ground floor and opening instantly to welcome me. Taking out my key from the right front pocket of my jeans. Getting to the front door and inserting the key and hearing Ninna bark and sniff at the door. Getting inside with the key and bag in my handtrying to pet Ninna at the same time who is on her hind legs trying desperately to lick my face. Take out food for her which she laps up in a matter of seconds. Taking out her leash as she jumps all over the place. Putting the leash around her neck as she keeps going in circles making it impossible for me. Taking her down and running to the grass patch lest she should pee or poo in front of the building and someone complains to the builder and we have to get rid of her. Ninna running on the grass feeling happy. Return home. Building door is open and lift is on ground floor. I open her leash. She runs to the door of the house and demands to be let in. I let her in. I put water to boil. Cut ginger pieces and put in water. Wash cups. Wash plates. Put milk in boiling water. Wash frying pan. Wash spoons. The milk boils. I get to it in time. Put tea in it. Put gas on sim. Put away plates, cups, frying pan, spoons. Clean kitchen counter and sink. Pour tea. Shower. Change clothes. The tea is at the correct temperature. Get phone. Get tea. Park on the new orange sofa. Ninna sits at my feet. Take a sip of tea and the pain my body melts away. Take Ninna in arms and let her lick face as much as she wants. Call Anshuman.

Back to work

I spent the weekened plus two extra days at home. Dont ask me why. And today I am back to work and I have deadlines and what not though the dessert was lovely as always. I didn't get too much done and I am supposed to be working as I write this. I have realised that the briefs are much longer than the actual copy for an ad. Hmmm...
The post lunch sleepiness is coming over me but i am trying desperately to stay awake. OK I am exagerating. I am wide awake. I am just not working. I will in a bit. I will look out of the window for a while and then I will get back to work. If I worked half as much as I think about it I would be much faster than I am and I am already pretty fast :-)
Ok next post a lil later. ta!

Thursday, October 16, 2008


Somewhere as i was floating on the web i found a picture of Gia Carangi. I was so struck by her beauty. She looked real and human and so different from the bunch these days. I got curious and googled her name. She used to be a model in the seventies and early eighties. She is considered by some, the first supermodel. She posed nude often and easily.
She fell in love with her make up woman. They had a stormy relationship. Gia began injecting heroine in her veins. Got addicted. After getting caught with drugs at an airport she was thrown out by her agency. She got into rehab several times, each time falling off the wagon.
She finally died of aids almost bald with her skin falling off.
Such a beautiful woman died at 26. There is something so poignant about early death and at the same time something so morbidly romantic. Marilyn Monroe, Jim Morrison and Ladi Di. Tortured souls, beautiful people. Angelina Jolie played Gia in the movie. Angelina has a tattoo which says-'the thing that nurtures me destroys me'
Why do some people have that destructive streak? Is it the fucked up childhood or is it just the availability of everything and value of nothing? I don't know. I was just attracted to Gia's face cos in some ways it reminded me of my own many years ago. heh (I'm humility herself)

Rob K

I saw The Last Samurai for the nth time yesterday. I was alone at home and it was a pleasure having chai and dinner infront of the tv with Ninna sitting next to me making herself comfortable. Then I did the dishes and the laundry, made the bed and got very tired in general.
So listened to the radio for a while warming my toes in the comforter.
I sent a message to DJ Rob saying I wanted to hear 'China in your hand' by T'pau. And he did play it. I was so happy. Then he read out my message which he thought was funny because i said that i had a remix version of the song which is a disgrace to the original. I was thrilled to bits. I like doing this request thing on the radio although DJ Rob mispronounced my name- Parooool.
Anyhow, felt like staying home and chilling out today but duty calls and here i am hammering the keys.
I have decided to treat this space more as a journal than a collection of well written meaningful pieces. I will now write all sorts of meaningless boring things that happen to me so that ten years from now I will know that I had it good most of the time. What I mean is that meaningless and boring is better than unhappy and stressful. You may disagree Gazal my darling and the only reader left of my blog. heh

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

no sign of life

in the blogular world of six blogs that i follow. not a peep from anyone. hmmm... just an update for my reference at a later date may be ten years from now....that's an idea...if i'm reading this ten years from now i want to tell myself that I just moved from Sharjah to Dubai. My house is in pretty good shape though my paintings have to be put up...shelves in the loo... curtain in the bedroom and small stuff like that and we'll be all set. Anshuman got his license after his sixth test. He can drive pretty well now and today morning he drove me to office for the first time in CK's wrangler. Couldn't help but give him a kiss.
I'd like to tell myself that I am happy and at this moment am listening to my favourite band- dire straits. I work at Leo Burnett and I like it. I have a good job, a good boss and a good life and I hope God will watch over me like he does now for the rest of my life.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

The American Parul

Parula warblers are tiny lil birdies in the south and north America. They have a buzzing song and loud chip calls. There are four kinds of Parula one of them is called flame throated.

Parul is the name of a river in Romania

In Philipines the star on top of the christmas tree is called Parul

Parul is a small white flower part of a famous bangla song- Parul bonda ke...champa something

Last but not the least someone told me Parul means beautiful. heh.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

through the window

4 fat girls walking casually
21 kitchen towels on a trolley
2 workers
2 men with papers
2 buttocks hanging out of a woman's swim suit bottom
1 truck full of cartons
2 more delivery men
1 more truck
3 men dragging small boxes
1 woman reading by the pool
1 chef in high cap
1 Hummer H3
1 woman backing up car then hesitating
1 man in blue carrying box of bananas
1 man in a uniform with tie making circular motion with fingers
1 bored woman sitting by her office window

Friday, September 19, 2008

Sleeping together

I close my eyes
He falls into a deep slumber
The radio sings in a low voice
His elbow touches my soft side
I sleep by the window
His face rolls away
After nearly 90 minutes
he gets up chivalourously
andI walk to the door
to get off the bus

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Twist in my sobriety

The first line of this song is taken from a poem written by Maya Angelou. I wish I could paste the whole song here and not just the lyrics. It's a song that's heavy in the voice and tone but the music soothes my heart like honey. I like the indifference in Tanita Tikaram's voice and the fact that it's so heavy she almost sounds like a sad grown man. Anyway this is my space and i dedicate it today to this song which I am listening to as I write this.

All God's children need travelling shoes
Drive your problems from here
All good people read good books
Now your conscience is clear
I hear you talk girl
Now your conscience is clear [x2]

In the morning when I wipe my brow
Wipe the miles away
I like to think I can be so willed
And never do what you say [x2]


Look my eyes are just holograms
Look your love has drawn red from my hands
From my hands you know you'll never be
More than twist in my sobriety [x3]

We just poked a little pie
For the fun that people have at night
Late at night don't need hostility
The timid smile and pause to free
I don't care about their different thoughts
Different thoughts are good for me
Up in arms and chaste and whole
All God's children took their toll


Cup of tea take time to think yeah
Time to risk a life a life a life
Sweet and handsome
soft and porky
You pig out 'til you've seen the light
Pig out 'til you've seen the light

Half the people read the papers
Read them good and well
Pretty people nervous people
People have got to sell
News you have to sell


Monday, September 08, 2008

a quiet dirt road

I just found this half written post which simply says -A quiet dirt road
Why did I write that? I have no idea. I think it's like reading your diary and getting confused about what you could possibly have been thinking when you scribbled some strange thing.

People have a habit of signing their name on pieces of paper. Some people overwrite till the letters become fat and unreadable. Some people write a phrase over and over again. I write these words at least once everyday- ' These things have always been the same, why worry now' They are words from a song called Why worry by Dire Straits. I've been writing them for years and years. It's a good thing to remember. I think.

A quiet dirt road hmmmm.... I still can't imagine what the next tine could be.

Monday, September 01, 2008


I will write about Ramadan but first let me talk about one of those days that turned into a firm resolve. Some time back I decided to get off the Fancy bus earlier than usual to go to my favourite restaurant and pick up food. All was well till I got the food and came on to the main road and there were just no taxis. I walked for about 40 minutes to the closest mall only to realise that there was an impossible long queue. I tried to stop a taxi and he waved me away. I was sweating profusely and steaming inside out. I wanted to throw stones at the taxi. I am now resolved to learn driving as soon as possible.

This doesn't end. I crossed over to the other side of the road and realised two women were standing ahead of me to get into a taxi first. I moved forward and so did they and we did this dance for a while till one taxi finally stopped and before those two could get in I literally pleaded with them to let me get in so I could drop them and then get home. They were Indians too and relented. I got in.

We proceeded to exchange names and professions. She looked like a nice 28-29 year old going home with her mom. When we came to her house she said-" Aunty" At first I wondered why she was calling her mother Aunty then she tapped on my shoulder and asked me for my phone number. I was in total shock and dumbly gave her the number. 'Stupid cow bitch'I said to myself.

The journey continued and the taxi driver began talking about ramadan and gave me a lecture on the saying of the Quran. The fact that a baby can breathe inside a mother's womb is Allah's miracle. He insisted that if a man accepts Allah as the supreme one and recites a certain verse and declares himself a true muslim he will go to heaven. It doesn't matter if his deeds are good or bad. My head was ready to burst by now and the traffic was millimetering. After a lot of arguing which included, childbirth and idol worship and how people from other religions became muslims but no muslim ever becomes a hindu.

I told myself over and over again-" I will learn to drive! I will learn to drive no matter what! Even if they fail me a dozen times I will never give up till I get a license!"

So that brings me to Ramadan. You cannot drink, eat or smoke in public. All devout fasting Muslims leave by 2 PM. You sit around finishing the leftovers. But I can eat lunch. So HA

Sunday, August 31, 2008


i just shook someone's hand and it was like holding a dead rat. If you're going to shake hands do justice to the gesture. Be friendly and firm about it. On the other hand don't crush the other person's hand and shake it up and down like you're drawing water from a hand pump.
I hate rats.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Office office

It is a typical day at work. It is my second week here s i think i know what a typical day is. I am loving the fact that I have the company notebook, my own landline, a leather backrest in the toilet, Large windows overlooking swimming pool, company pencil, company email id, large cafeteria with buffet lunch mostly arabic( salads, humous, khoubous, rice, pasta, meat with gravy, meat without gravy and excellent dessert), shared files on itunes and chilled out boss.

I hate waking up and realising I have missed the bus and then taking taxi, sweating on my neck when asleep in cab, losing things in cab like my rose quartz crystal angel, jostling for a window seat in the bus every day, walking in the heat for 20 minutes from bus stop to home, lebanese people talking in arabic all around me, one guy in particular shouting and scaring me saying "SUBWAY!!"

In case I forgot to mention it the best thing about working is listening to Dire Straits all day !

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Thesaurus of gestures

I find small gestures very exciting. I spend a considerable amount of time thinking about why people make them and the various meanings they have.
First of all is the wave. The single wave which signifies the final goodbye. The wave at the railway station which involves the whole arm meaning goodbye and I'll come back. The simple show of the palm without movement which probably says simply OK bye then.
Interlinking of fingers and rubbing the thumbs together which mostly speaks of not knowing what to do and sometimes of impending tense time.
Looking directly into the eyes of someone as they speak and then looking away most of the time brings a pause to the conversation or changes the subject. Holding your face within your palms simply means you have little to say as it actually makes speaking difficult causing your face to bob up and down.
The head turn is one of the most exciting ones. As you walk behind someone they turn around hearing the sound of your shoes or just sense your presence. A smile may or may not follow depending on the mood and familiarity of the person you are following. A lot of times if the woman in front of you has a good head of hair she will swish it as her head turns back to it's original position. Then there is the head turn at the curb when someone who nearly disappears at the corner glances back to see who is behind him or her, this is simply out of curiosity and almost never involves a smile. And then there is the lovers' head turn when a member of the opposite sex turns, looks, barely smiles and then continues to smile when their face is safely out of vision. This is very exciting for other people as the object of affection is unable to see nearly half the gesture.
Then there is the kiss kiss gesture. When you meet someone they kiss the air around you twice involving no actual cheek touching. Considering how intimate kissing is this one is a very formal gesture and needs expert co ordination as a lot of times heads bang into each other if you go in the wrong direction which i do a lot. I personally prefer hugging which is a more casual and affectionate gesture bringing about instant good feelings.
That's all for now. I will add to this as more gestures come to mind. Do you have favourite gestures?

Thursday, July 03, 2008


It's been a long time and apparently so much has happened and yet I sometimes get the feeling that my quest is ultimately to just pass the time. Every now and then I get the feeling that that's what life is about- passing the time, keeping yourself busy and engaged in activities which can keep you unaware of yourself till you sleep and strange dreams come out of nowhere to remind you of an untouched world within.
All in all things are quiet and I like that. I am a big one for silence but even I rely on the television to drown out unnecessary thoughts though with a liberal sprinkling of the mute button. Lately when I talk to my mother on the phone I try to imagine what she looked like when I met her just a few days ago and she seems close and yet so distant. Her daily chatter filled with news, problems and good advice though relevant seems for a younger person.
I had a birthday. I'm 34 and passing the time. Fortunately with an amazing ease.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

New paintings

I have started a new blog for my paintings. Do visit

Sunday, April 13, 2008

time melts along

time moves along and i feel as though i am exhausted just trying to keep up with it... my sleep is full of school friends taking part in dance competitions....there is a nagging pain above my left eye and right shoulder....the very purposelessness of life that i loved irks me colors wait and my canvas is pure white...the days are getting brighter and brighter windows....taxis are getting fewer and drivers are ruder and ruder...birthdays come and go....people prefer meat over dal....rice gets overcooked...i throw my cards in the middle of a losing game...the dog chews two mp3 players...i want to go back to sleep...I want to wake up feeling all better....I want to go mummy

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Little Notty

Ninna had a severe skin problem so I had to send her to the vet. The vet Dr. Elizabeth has a kennel in Um al quain which is very far from Sharjah. Whenever we go away Ninna stays with her. A filipino man called Jojo who is loud and happy like most people from his country comes to pick up and drop Ninna.
Ninna had to stay with 3e444444zxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ( that was Notty ) the vet for a week as she is on antibiotics, steroids and blue spray. So I was cribbing to Dr Elizabeth about how much I was missing Ninna as I work from home and she is my companion. So Dr Elizabeth offered to send me another French Bulldog puppy.
Notty came day before yesterday. She is unusually small and makes even smaller sounds. She walked very slowly and carefully only around the centre table. The next day I realised that she whimpers when she has to pee and potty which is very intelligent of her. She slept peacefully in her own bed the first night unlike Ninna who cried periodically her first night with us. Notty follows me sometimes but only for a while. She likes chewing wires, chasing the mop, rolling the ball and then getting surprised but most of all like all puppies she likes to sleep cuddled up.
Anshuman and I have fallen in love with her. Our guess is that no one wanted her because she is so small and gangly. The rest of her brothers and sisters have been taken.
Anshuman wants to keep her but I can't manage another dog even though she is so beautiful and I love her so much. She goes back tomorrow. My little Notty.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

The gym

So I joined a gym for the third time in my life. First time was before the wedding when I went for 4 days. Second time was in Bombay after marriage when i went for three days.
This time I was reading this book called Secret recommended to me by someone I respect. I got so excited reading the book that I decided I had to do something positive so i got dressed and went looking for a ladies gym that i had seen many times while going to Megamall to watch a movie and shop as a bonus.
I walked fast and asked at least five people where the ladies gym was in a span of about 7 minutes. I always ask for direction sometimes even when i am almost sure i am moving in the right direction. I don't want to be lost and resultantly walk one step more than required. Clearly I needed to be in some form of exercise routine. Finally I asked a Mallu shopkeeper where the gym was and he looked like I was talking greek. The Arab lady next to me finally showed me the way and I had to ask only two more people till I finally got to the lift of the gym building. The building has just been constructed and the lifts were not working. It said- 7th flr- Ladies gym. The thought of climbing up 7 floors took out all the spirit injected in me by the book.
In fact by now i was cursing the book for getting me all stirred up about losing weight. Then an angel came in the form of a woman and called for her friend at the staircase. I asked just to confirm- where is the gym? 1st floor- she replied.
I was filled with many twinkling lights again. I went up and saw about 30 women vigorously doing aerobics to loud music. I signed up for three months instantly seeing myself as my former thin self at the end of the three months.
I went the next day and pedalled on a bicycle for about 10 minutes and then aerobics for about another ten mins after which I went and sat down on the staircase outside for some time because i just couldn't stand. I now go and loiter around for the first 5 minutes feeling amazed at all the spandex that can be worn under an abaya. Woman come wearing make up to the gym. There are mirrors everywhere and you can see how fat your thighs are or how your butt jiggles when you run on the spot.
So after that I push the pedals and count all the calories i am burning. Then the aerobics begins and I like the stretching at first but then the music starts and kilos and kilos of mass begins jumping vigorously including me. I always stand at the back of the class much like school so that I can goof off in between have some cold water and come back to flail my legs and arms around. After a while it gets tough to touch my elbow to my knee and kick my leg forward without actually falling down. My instructor has already caught me once and scolded me for leaving the class early everyday.
I check the time in my watch every two minutes. Today my watch just stopped without a warning at 8 am. In a way it's good becase that way i might just end up doing exercises for longer than 20 minutes.
I feel wonderful when I come home, freeze the livingroom and then take a cold shower. I love the after exercise feeling. I think that I will continue to go and exercise because the next two hours post work out feel amazingly wonderful and so light.
So I will go again today and hopefully exercise a little longer than the last time. Needless to say that I will eat rice and dal for dinner and all the calories will embrace me lovingly and reside in my stomach which is after all a very comfortable cushioned home for them.

PS Jamjar saw my work and will consider to commission me when they require paintings for business spaces and residences. All good.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Good energies

Some people believe that if they tell the whole world about good things like a job interview or pregnancy ( Both are similar in that one gives birth to a boy or a girl and the other to a yes or a no)something will go wrong. I have never been that way. I soak up love and blessings like asponge. When asked a straight question I find it very hard to lie outright or make up something to hide an important event.
So in that spirit I would like to share a new development in my life. My father suggested that i should paint when i was in Bombay. I bought everything but didn't actually paint. I started painting in Dubai at a gallery called Jamjar about an year ago. I loved making a painting on this huge canvas so much that I decided to start painting at home. I bought an easel. I bought Winsor and Newton brushes which was like a dream come true. I had seen them with someone at NID. She had got them from UK. I envied her so much. It was a beautiful set in a wooden box. I smile as I remember it.
So I started painting and I loved it so much. I put up the pictures here and so many of you responded with so much enthusiasm that i contacted Jamjar. They saw pictures of my paintings and asked me to meet them this Monday.
So I have been thinking about it all this week wondering if they will like my paintings or not....hoping and praying. It's easy to paint in the safety of one's home but tough to put one's self out there for others to judge. It's like sending my film to a festival and then getting a we regret to inform you email in return.
I like painting so much that I don't want to ever stop doing it. Sometimes I am filled with hope and sometimes with a feeling of impending doom. I honestly do not paint for an audience. I never want to. I still wonder if they will hold up in the eyes of strangers.
It's the kind of thing that makes me want to curl up and sleep for a long time but even then I dream of taking an English language exam that I cannot read.
So I want all of you who read this to send good energies my way. I need them.

Thursday, February 14, 2008


I watched the 4.00 pm show absolutely alone in the theatre. The movie clearly did justice to the book even though two scenes were cut by the censor here. My eyes welled up at the plight of the sweet brave Hassan. Those who haven't read this book should see the movie and those who have will watch it for sure in any case.
I got a bit spooked when the lights went off just before the trailers began but all was well again when the screen lit up.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Thank you

Everyone who took the time to see and appreciate my paintings. Felt good. I have painted some more since the last post. will post pics soon. till then Thank you so much.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

my paintings #2


Tuesday, January 22, 2008

these days

I haven't written anything I even remotely like for the longest time. I've been painting lots and lots. big and small canvases. I have realised that I have no real skill but what I do have is the ability to love. I love to allow paint to move on it's own and mix with different colours, flow with water like fish in an quarium I once had. It was a birthday present, first one after our marriage. We moved to Dubai and the aquarium ended up taking a ride in Mukul's backseat all over town finally ending it's journey at the watchman's house.
I digress. That I think is the one constant factor or flaw in my thought process. So I went to IKEA today and bought a few things. I like the process of assessing what I need and what I must have. It's the difference between need and want. Shopping is like an intricate dance that a woman does. Sometimes shop assistants join in. You look at everything which sometimes becomes a blur and yet your eye manages to focus on exactly the things you are likely to buy. So you like the strappy shoes but you could never wear that heel. The perfect heel has an imperfect price. So on and so forth.
You waltz in and out of stores till your shopping shoes get tired. You walk out bearing bags of things. Strangely disappointed. Post shopping depression should be looked into. The guilt is not too far away either.
I get so exhausted everytime I shop that I need an hour's sleep to recuperate. Shopping is good but painting is better and shopping for paints is the very best.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

My paintings


Melting rains

Apple tree

Bleeding cloud

Flaming paint

Wednesday, January 02, 2008