Sunday, June 30, 2013

The fall

The website of POSE magazine got launched last Thursday and things have been moving rapidly since then and I haven't had the time to come here and update. I went to dinner at a friend's house yesterday and fell down while walking to the car. A few minor scratched and my toe really hurts. I've been hobbling around the office. I hope the pain will go down by tomorrow and it won't be so difficult just to walk. Thankfully I didn't break anything so I'm glad. Nothing much else is happening aside from work. Thank God for work!

Sunday, June 23, 2013


It's my birthday. There's going to be a supermoon. It's going to be a bigger moon. It'll be closer to the earth than any other time of the year. What does that mean astrologically? It means that I'm going to have a superb year! YAY!

I thought I'd finished the post but it looks like I haven't. Birthdays are like all other days except slightly special I guess. I've never been much of a birthday celebration type but I think today Ankita will come over with butter Chicken and it should be fun to celebrate with her, Pushpita and their daughters. 

Thursday, June 20, 2013


Since the last two days I've been unwell. I feel weak and exhausted. My stomach feels funny all the time and the only thing I really feel like having is soup and water. I don't know where my appetite has gone. I literally have to force myself to eat. It hasn't been pretty. The weekend begins today evening and I hope I can get some rest and recuperate. So tired...

Tuesday, June 18, 2013


The lovely people at Lush sent me a lip scrub and a lipstick. I've never worn that shade in my life and as one can see for good reason. The day is moving along at a slow pace. The summer is so impossibly slow. It's like each day is longer than two days put together. It's so hot outside that five minutes in the sun make me look like a monkey's butt as is evident from this picture. Ah when will the winter be here again? I have no patience whatsoever....

Monday, June 17, 2013

A bit of fun

It's nearly impossible to take a picture of us together which looks anything close to normal. Anshuman has to make a face because he thinks taking pictures of us together is a silly thing to do so he makes it even sillier. despite the face he's making I do love this picture. Despite him spoiling hundreds of pictures I've tried to take of us together I love him so much.

Am I a fool or am I a fool?

"No one ever found wisdom without also being a fool. Writers, alas, have to be fools in public, while the rest of the human race can cover its tracks."- Erica Jong
Writers can feel like that even humble bloggers like me. The need to express is so deep and urgent that we lay bare our vulnerabilities open to the prying eyes of the world. The world which is sometimes kind and understanding and at other times cruel and judgmental. I admit I've tried writing a book and at the moment am failing at it miserably. I wrote three chapters and according to my friends they showed promise but they are my friends and they are supposed to say nice things about the junk I write. When I read these three chapters I do feel that I should continue to write but the words have not flowed for a while so I continue to write each day on this blog so that I would at least remember what it feels like to write for myself.

May be the truth is that I just don't have it in me to finish the book. Or may be I do but I'm scared shitless of what the world will say when my soul is laid bare on a collection of bound paper. May be my writing is going to be limited to this space and when I'm dead they will find passwords and instructions to delete the damn thing. I'm sorry I'm being rather depressing about the whole book thing. I was talking to a friend who had read the first two chapters and every time I talk to her she tells me to keep writing. I keep feeling guilty that I'm not living up to my potential every time someone tells me that. The guilt doesn't translate into actual writing. It makes me a little bit sad for a while and then I go on with my day as if nothing happened. What if I don't have potential? What if the subject of the book is wrong? What if the characters are not interesting enough? What if the plot has been written a thousand times before and I have nothing new to offer anyone?

Ah so many doubts live within  my heart that my fingers get paralysed and my mind numb. I close the 'book' file and go back to doing whatever inane thing I was doing before I began reading those three chapters for the nth time.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

How can I...

So I found this very old song as I was listening to some other song by Kenny Rogers and I got distracted. Men seem to go through serious dilemmas in songs when they are in love with two women apparently for different reasons. It seems to be a theme much written and sung about. Funnily there aren't that many songs like that by women. Not that I've heard anyway. So here's the first song

How can I tell her by Lobo

She knows when I'm lonesome, she cries when I'm sad
She's up in the good times, she's down in the bad
Whenever I'm discouraged, she knows just what to do
But girl, she doesn't know about you

I can tell her my troubles, she makes them all seem right
I can make up excuses not to hold her at night
We can talk of tomorrow, I'll tell her things that I want to do
But girl, how can I tell her about you?

How can I tell her about you? Girl, please tell me what to do
Everything seems right whenever I'm with you
So girl, won't you tell me how to tell her about you?

How can I tell her I don't miss her whenever I'm away
How can I say it's you and I think of every single night and day
But when is it easy telling someone we're through
Ah girl, help me tell her about you

The second one is also one of my favourite songs. I do love Bryan Adams so much. And here he is running away from one woman into the arms of another... from the woman with a heart of gold to the woman who turns him on...

Run to you by Bryan Adams

She says her love for me could never die
But that'd change if she ever found out about you and I
Oh, but her love is cold
It wouldn't hurt her if she didn't know, 'cause...
When it gets too much
I need to feel your touch
I'm gonna run to you x2
'Cause when the feelin's right I'm gonna run all night
I'm gonna run to you
She's got a heart of gold she'd never let me down
But you're the one that always turns me on
You keep me comin' 'round
I know her love is true
But it's so damn easy makin' love to you
I got my mind made up
I need to feel your touch
I'm gonna run to you
Yeah, I'm gonna run to you
'Cause when the feelin's right I'm gonna stay all night
I'm gonna run to you
Yeah, I'm gonna run to you


So I started listening to Suzanne Vega and remembered this lovely song called Caramel. I first heard it in a movie called "The truth about cats and dogs". I remember I watched that movie at Pragati Maidan. It plays when Uma Thurman is being hand fed pastries by Ben Chaplin and she seems to be literally in heaven as she doesn't eat sweets because she's a reed thin model and doesn't want to gain weight. Although in real life no one eats chocolates or cake with their eyes closed, do they? The song is mostly about forbidden longings as so many songs are but I particularly like this one. It's somehow very sexy ;)

Caramel by Suzanne Vega
It won't do
to dream of caramel,
to think of cinnamon
and long for you.

It won't do
to stir a deep desire,
to fan a hidden fire
that can never burn true.

I know your name,
I know your skin,
I know the way
these things begin;

But I don't know
how I would live with myself,
what I'd forgive of myself
if you don't go.

So goodbye,
sweet appetite,
no single bite
could satisfy...

I know your name,
I know your skin,
I know the way
these things begin;

But I don't know
what I would give of myself,
how I would live with myself
if you don't go.

It won't do
to dream of caramel,
to think of cinnamon
and long
for you.

The weekend

Well the weekend is over and it was a really good one. I've been sitting with that cursor blinking at me for over an hour and I want to write but something makes me hesitate. I don't know what it is. I'm writing despite it. I want to write about the weekend and how happy it was but all I can think of is a song by Suzanne Vega in which she says,"and she closed herself up like a fan". I don't know why this particular line comes to mind. May be because I feel somewhat like that, like closing myself up like a fan. Here's a link to that song  The queen and the soldier by Suzanne Vega The song is a story really of a Queen who falls in love with a soldier and it ends in tragedy as all good love stories do.

Let me try to get out of this state of mind and go back to Friday. It was a lazy morning as usual with a cup of tea. We ordered biryani for lunch and then I began my cleaning spree which lasted all afternoon. I'm going to digress. A woman from Kzakhastan just walked in to the office and literally began talking in a loud voice about her magazine. Sam met her and she was the loudest most exuberant woman I've ever come across. It took half an hour to just figure out what she wanted and all the time I was trying not to burst into laughter. The worst thing was that she could hardly speak any English. I know that's not very sensitive of me to laugh but she was just so hilarious yelping about her wedding magazine.

Ok getting back to Friday. I bought some Rohu fish and looked up the recipe online for Macher jol bong style as my friend Ankita from NID days was coming over for dinner along with her sweet sister Pushpita. Ankita just moved to Dubai four months ago from the US. I cooked after a long time. I'm not a great cook but I'm not too bad either. Essentially I have little interest in cooking even though I have tried to develop a taste for baking which failed in misery. The only thing I managed to bake was the Betty Crocker's chocolate cake and I would end up making so much that it would be hard to finish it for the two of us.

So I managed to cook the fish and boil the rice. Limited menu only but prepared with much love and affection. So Ankita came with Pushpita, Pushpita's 2 and a half year old daughter Sohana and her own 2 and a half year old daughter Ahana. I love the kids. They are so full of energy and always up to something. There isn't a dull moment when they are around.

Oh I have to digress again! The loud lady came back again waving a pack of cigarettes. Vanessa told her she cannot smoke in the office so she went out to the terrace and had a smoke. She left the leftover Vogue cigarettes,"for your manager! For your manager!" That's Sam. My God such hilarious things happen sometimes on the quietest of days. That woman surely woke up the entire office clucking around in her high heels and ill fitting dress.

So Friday night Onki as I call her affectionately came over and we had a lovely evening. I got to play with the two little angels. They jumped on the bed and they jumped on the sofa and they played with Ninna. I was so very happy. Ninna sat next to Ankita the entire time and forgot all about us. I guess it was love at first sight for both of them. Pushpita loved the house and my painting on the wall. She described the house in an interesting way,"nothing matches nothing and that's the way it's supposed to be." Everyone who comes to our home always says that it has great energy. I love my home and yes I feel most content when I'm there with my loved ones.

I spent most of the Saturday sleeping on the couch and watching the India Pak match which wasn't really interesting because india won easily amidst many many rain showers and interruptions. I slept rather late and woke up half an hour late and had to rush through everything in the morning but made it to office just in time. Well that's that. Until the next post :)

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Na jaane kyon..

Na jaane kyon...

Na jaane kyon hota hai yun zindagi ke paas
Achanak yen man kisike jaane ke baad
kare phir uski yaad choti choti si baat

'Choti si baat' is probably my favourite hindi movie romance. A simple boy falls in love with a simple girl. Another boy comes in the way making the lover feel inferior. The lover retreats and gets trained in ways of love from an old retired army man played perfectly by Ashok Kumar- Colonel Julius Nagendranath. This song comes on as she misses seeing her lover following her home from the bus stop. Such a beautiful song...
There is such innocence that flows through the lead characters that every encounter becomes delightful. I will watch the movie again soon!

Another song..

Tere bina zindagi se koi...

Tere bina zindagi se koi shikwa to nahin
Tere bina zindagi bhi lekin zindagi to nahi... zindagi nahin

I do like Gulzar even though my father would say he's just a player of words that collectively sound nice but mean very little. This song from the film Aandhi is so touching and never fails to move me. The film itself loosely based on Indira Gandhi is really good with a stellar performance from Sanjeev Kumar. I'd love to watch it again...

Tum jo keh do to aaj ki raat chand doobega nahin
Raat ko rok lo
Raat ki baat hai aur zindagi baki to nahin...

Kuch dil ne kaha

Kuch dil ne kaha

So I was listening to old hindi songs today. It's that kind of day. It's warm and quiet and the weekend is tip toeing in silently. Sharmila Tagore is beautiful and graceful as she sings almost saying nothing yet speaking so clearly immersed in her own song in her own world. There's a sadness to the song and there's a shyness to it. It's that feeling I sometimes have of retreating into quiet and trying to decipher what my heart is trying to tell me. I don't always hear it very well. There's so much noise everywhere in this world around me. But I try...

Kuch dil ne kaha... kuch bhi nahin...

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

You don't know...

I found this beautiful song today. I love Nina Simone's voice.. so poignant.. so heartbroken... especially in this song...
You don't know what love is by Nina Simone

You don't know what love is
Until you've learned the meaning of the blues
Until you've loved a love you've had to lose
You don't know what love is

You don't know how lips hurt
Until you've kissed and had to pay the cost
Until you've flipped your heart and you have lost
You don't know what love is

Do you know how lost heart feels
At the thought of reminiscing?
And how lips that taste of tears
Lose their taste for kissing

You don't know how hearts burn
For love that cannot live yet never dies
Until you've faced each dawn with sleepless eyes
You don't know what love is

Tuesday, June 11, 2013


I love hummingbirds hence the picture. It hasn't been a fantastic day and I'm just trying to cheer myself up. And it's not working.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Summer dressing

My new summer dress. It's sooo comfy I love it!

And here I am yet again with a picture of myself. I'm so vain I think every song is about me heh heh

Elusive sleep

So I started listening to music on youtube and now all traces of sleep have gone from my eyes hence this post. I have been trying to read 'the name of the rose' but somehow all the religious commentary about God and devil is unable to hold my interest. I mean yes it's supposed to be a classic and all that but may be I'm just not that evolved. This night somehow I feel like listening to music till the sun comes up but I have to go to work tomorrow and being bleary eyed is not something desirable. So alright I will go to sleep...

I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamt that I was getting married in a white wedding gown and a veil... I don't want dreams tonight unless they are songs.

Sunday, June 09, 2013

Geant the giant

I detest going grocery shopping but when the fridge is empty and the cook comes and tells me there's no salt or oil in the house I have to drag myself to the hypermarket Geant. The worst thing about a market like that is that by the time you get used to the layout and you pretty much know where everything is they go and change everything. Today I forgot the grocery list so I had to keep trying to remember every little thing and pray that I didn't forget some important item which will come back to haunt me later. Whenever I go to Geant I get a little hypnotised by the sheer size of the choice of things available. If one thing is available at one end then the next one is at the other end and I wander around with my cart like Alice in wonderland utterly lost. I don't like tearing off plastic bags every time I have to bag some veggie so I tear off ten bags together from the dispenser. Today as I was tearing the bags off I began singing for some reason,"I didn't know I was looking for love until I found you" (Listen here ) The man patiently standing and waiting for me to finish tearing off bags gave me a quizzical look. I immediately apologised and scurried away. Not the best song to sing in a hypermarket. Normally I tend to whistle which is much much safer.

So then I went around picking up things and finally when it was time to pay they told me my credit card had expired. Got dirty looks from the man next in line. I paid cash and scurried away for the second time pushing my cart full of groceries. I decided to have dinner at the food court. I got some chole chawal from the Indian place and wolfed it down. I love cold water which they didn't have so they gave me a glass full of ice. I poured water into it and did some more damage to my already damaged throat and then for some reason my glass missed the table and landed on the floor. Water and ice were everywhere and the man sitting at the next table gave me a sympathetic look. I smiled back sheepishly and pushed my cart towards the entrance. I reached the entrance and realised that I was at the wrong end because my car was parked at the other end so I did an about turn and pushed my cart to the car and loaded everything in the boot.

Finally I got home and of course at that hour there was no parking close to the building entrance so I parked the car, put the hazard lights on and took out eight bags of groceries. Anshuman's stomach was upset so he slept off leaving me to carry everything home. I got to the building door and the woman walking behind me seemed to be waiting for me to open the door. "Could you open the door?" I said (there was no need for a 'please') She walked around me lazily and opened the door. I carried the bags to the lift when an angel of God in the shape of a man helped me put everything in the lift when it arrived. He helped me to the door and I thanked him profusely.

I got in the door and began putting groceries away. I'd bought two summer dresses at the mall and they gave me some rewards points card. I took it out of the envelope and as I was looking for my handbag I realised that it was in the car and the car was sitting forlorn  and forgotten with the hazard lights on. I rushed down and while looking for the parking listened to a lovely song twice.

Musical morning

So it's been a lovely morning with my favourite music playing on youtube. The dog is asleep. A cup of tea is next to me and it's lovely. It's been a long time since I updated the music on my phone because iPhone is stupid. You can sync it to only one computer and the computer in question has gone kaput. I would like to buy a new one but I wish someone gave me a computer for free and since that's not going to happen I will have to make do with my old playlist.

I left this post incomplete and am finishing it on Sunday morning. Music is playing and Bryan Adams is singing. I like him. It's going to be a good day.

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

The slate

Blank and black
Soothing and irksome
No chalk of the past
No lines of the future

Monday, June 03, 2013

Not my favourite Monday

Mondays are not on top of many people's favourite days aside from the category of people who wake up every morning with a cheshire grin on their faces ready to take on anything that the day can throw at them. This has turned out to be a very long sentence. I have nothing against Mondays normally but today is getting on my nerves a bit. My lunch got late. My big meeting got late. My car has gone for service and I am going to be dependent on a cab to get home. It's not easy getting a cab near my office. The car will be ready at eight and I will have to go pick it up after dinner. I'm not looking forward to that. I don't usually like leaving the sanctuary of home in the evenings. I have a horrible soar throat and the dry cough is threatening to break a few ribs. My body feels warmer than usual so may be fever is not too far away. So all in all this particular Monday is not exactly my favourite. 

Saturday, June 01, 2013

The world below

So we were driving to Dubai mall and I found a song that both Anshuman and I like equally. This is very rare as our taste in music is diametrically opposite. I don't like his music and he doesn't like mine. So this song is special.

The world I Know by Collective Soul

So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down
Cause it's the world I know
It's the world I know