Sunday, November 30, 2008


took three days sick leave because my nose was filled with vile substances, throat with enlarged tonsils and one ear with i-dont-know-what. All in all it was hard to breathe and i either had fever or was feverish most of the time. So I took sick leave and slept most afternoons in a dreamless sleep and ninna slept by my side. she licked my face periodically resulting is the short periods of time that i actually felt better.
I got various advice from many quarters. But honestly there's no cure for the common cold. Really. I hate going to a doctor without at least having actual fever as opposed to feeling feverish. I have a good boss who is very understanding so thank God for that.
And now here I am back at work listening to George Michael crooning away on itunes. Coughing away periodically with an abrasive throat. Oh that was a bad one! I've noticed that George Michael can be quite depressing when he chooses. I enjoy Eagles very much and for some reason these lines are my favorite-

I'm a standing on a corner
In winslow, arizona
And such a fine sight to see
It's a girl, my lord, in a flatbed Ford
slowin' down to take a look at me
Come on, baby, don't say maybe
I gotta know if your sweet love is
Gonna save me

I recently read one third of a book which explains the Thoth tarot. Thoth is an Egyptian God and the Thoth tarot is inspired by Egyptian mythology. I slogged through it because I am in love with the images. They are full of symbols and geometrical designs which have the power to mesmerise you. The meanings and interpretations are altogether something else. I haven't even come to the meanings of the individual cards. Just the introduction to the Qabalah which is necessary to understand the thoth tarot, is a complex affair. I have to get back to that book. It tires me and yet I want to learn more. I don't know how much I actually understand.

I made a painting on my living room wall which I didn't like so I painted something else over it which I again didn't like so I made a white border which is whiter that the rest of the wall so now it all looks rather strange. I will post a picture.

Last but not the least I have been trying not to watch tv. Mostly because I am unable to help what's happened and joining a group on facebook or wearing black clothes today seems trivial. Symbols are powerful but they can only go so far. A candle eventually burns out. The question is what should an individual do to ensure this doesn't happen again? I honestly don't know.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

slow motion

it's like fuzzy cream colored warm clouds covering you from head to toes, releasing a sense of well being in small doses so that you almost fall asleep in your chair with a pen in your hand, sleeping on the paper. Songs flow like honey through your veins and your blood sugar gets dangerously high resulting in the sweetest of benign smiles that you just cannot control. You begin to write in amazingly long sentences without stopping to take a breath as your face feels warm and your fingernails type slowly, ever so slowly making no mistakes whatsoever because of the sheer slowness of movement. Everything is in slow motion like a plesant dream. And I wonder why I didn't bring my book? Am I getting a fever? Is it the jacket I'm wearing or the first time I had lunch with another person?

words about words

short words in small sentences bring me comfort of expression. I think I am not particularly high on the list of folks good with vocabulary. In fact I consistently lose at scrabble and have never finished a crossword puzzle. I have made crossword puzzles as part of my job at one point but never have i solved one. And yet I love writing. I don't feel stuck for a particular word and increasingly I get the feeling that big words leave too much room for speculation of it's meaning. I choose to be exact rather than sound intelligent but ultimately vague. Am I being judgemental to a particular kind of writing? Probably yes. I have little patience trying to string together big words and then deciphering the meaning. Say what you have to say, don't say a lot just because you can... I feel.
Although I may feel this way simply because of my inability to form long meaningful sentences with large words that have a beauty of their own which I totally miss.

Monday, November 17, 2008


last night i was sitting at home by the open window. anshuman and a friend were having a drink and I was enjoying the breeze, the conversation. Ninna was asleep and it struck me- this is happiness. The stuff that passes by quietly almost like a thief is...happiness.

Sunday, November 09, 2008


music can trigger very specific memories. We all know that so I'm going to list down my triggers and I invite you all to do the same. I think it will be an interesting exercise.

So far away- Dire Straits

Being on the phone on a rainy day trying to hear the voice at the other end. Standing under the girls hostel as people screamed for people to come down. Me either waiting or talking on the ancient payphone with a six digit number, and staring at the message on the blackboard written by someone- so and so called for parul

Desert rose- Sting

Sleeping in the bus from sharjah to dubai. feeling the waves of airconditioning and clutching my bag for warmth. The mp3 player singing and the sands of dubai going past as we took the outermost road to avoid the traffic...the sun coming through the windows.

Small blue thing- Suzanne Vega

This memory is not limited to this song...there are many songs which remind me of sitting on the computer at AVON Classic in Borivli and chatting with strange people out of boredom. The point was to listen to the songs and the chatting was by the way and the rain was invariably kissing my face.

Honeymoon Suite- Suzanne Vega

This is a song which talks about a woman's vision/dream in her honeymoon suite. There's a line which says something about the husband having missed all that happened in the room that night. The memory attached to this song is of Anshuman being on the computer for hours and me feeling ignored, silly newly wed that I was back then. It was a feeling of surprised hurt.

I'm ready - Bryan Adams

This one always takes me back to my basement in which i stayed for about a year. I danced alone to this song. It played on my red panasonic mono cassette player. I loved it. It went on to become one of our favorite songs.

Take on me- A-ha

This song is sooo MTV in the early eighties I think. I loved the video and recorded it on tape which I still have. The memory is of the brilliant Aarti Sharma who disappeared somewhere in the US of A after doing her BSc in Physics from St Stephens. We were classmates and she likedSun always shines on TV( also by A-ha) better.

Big space- Suzanne Vega
the time I wrote poem after poem every day and every night. It was a strange time because I was happy and yet somehow disconnected.

I have to go home now so another post will soon follow...till then think about your songs and memories .

a girl in love

a girl i know, walks with her hips swinging behind her and her breasts enter the room before her. She wears mascara every day with glossy blue eyeshadow. Her clothes vary from less to very less and depending on that a percentage of her skin breathes fresh air in places most women try to hide.
I realised today this girl stands next to a dark good looking man in the smoking area and a glow comes to her face which casts a net of beauty on her aura despite everything that I dislike about her. I like watching her at these times. This man is handsome and quite oblivious or appears to be so. He is always there with another man and she stands between them never looking at his companion. She laughs throwing her head back in gay abandon, touches the delicate necklace that hangs between the swell of her bosom. He smiles and they blow smoke almost at her face and she is unfazed even though she doesn't smoke. She smiles and looks adoringly at the dark handsome man. She is beautiful. In that moment all the make up, all the anatomocal jokes I can think of and all the brevity of attire can't take away her beauty.