Sunday, October 30, 2005

One day at a time

It's funny how when everyone is so far away everything becomes a bit unreal... I guess it takes time getting used to the fact that you might end up living so long that you will still be here when everyone who knows your nick name is gone.
I wonder if you knew that for sure would you want to live that long a life or would you rather retire at a ripe old age?
In any case nature will take care of such things I guess. No need to worry. Take it one day at a time and make the most of it.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

There he goes

He left for Dubai. He will come back. In three weeks. To marry me. Again. Legally.
Cockroaches, pigeons, computer, tv, books, two blank canvases, paints, brushes and I will be right here.
So come around.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Dear Subconscious

I have been dreaming every night as always. Now it's become twice thrice in the night. All the characters in the dream are people I know. All the situations are similar to the realities that took place. It's as if I live life in the day time and my mind makes a movie about it and has a screening in the night ( and I thought I was the one supposed to be making movies but then my subconscience has always been far more creative with imagery). All the time waiting with relish... Let's see... should I scare her or plain confuse her or be merciful and just give her something amusing to wake up to? Is she still not going to listen and try to make sense of me?

Dear Subconscious,
For God's sake if there's anything specific you're trying to tell me do so without scaring the crap out of me in the middle of the night. I always thought dreams were like random pieces of colour which are unique and beautiful and trying to interpret them was like butchering a beautiful painting by saying that it has to mean something.
But seriously after tonight's dream I am a believer. I believe you are trying to tell me something. I just don't know what the hell it is. So let's watch a few straight forward hollywood movies and then let's try again. Please no Foreign language films tonight just some light hearted stuff. Let's avoid the movie marathons and have only one every night.
I promise I will try to understand. Kindly do not send me another nightmare like last night, at least not for the next one month. I don't want to feel afraid of falling asleep!
Your ever loving

Thursday, October 13, 2005


Lost my wallet yesterday. I kept it on a shelf at D- mart and then forgot about it. Considering I make no money losing 5,200 bucks was a huge blow. Ofcourse everyone at home was really nice about it. Husband said, " It's only money. "
Some time ago my friend insisted I needn't pay for my cold drink and I said , " Money is a bitch. If you're not careful it comes in the way of relationships." and paid anyway. She asked me why I didn't leave a tip and I said when I make money I leave a tip and now that I don't I'm a cheapster.
The more I need money, the more I hate it. May be that's why my attempts at making it have all been such disasters. May be if I didn't hate it so much it would come to me more easily. So I have decided that this Diwali I will pray especially hard and hopefully win the lottery or else someone will ring the bell. I will open the door and he will say, " Madam aapka parcel aaya hai " and I will sign for a cardboard box from Laxmi Enterprises. Ofcourse I will open it and there it will be... stacks and stacks of bitchin' money and I will call my husband's name. I will give it to him and say, " Now you can quit your job and experiment with your life instead. " And then I will wake up and open the door and the Kaamwali bai will say, " Bhabhi mein kitni baar bell bajaya. Aap uthta nahin hai!" I will think to myself..., " Itna accha sapna aayega to kaisa uthega!"

Sunday, October 09, 2005

huna huna huna

Again I sit here wanting to write something... so many things come to mind... I want to write all of them at once but I cannot. I have to go and perform a sacred ceremony. It is a ceremony for making peace with the planets before you move into a home. I will perform it along with my husband. I have been part of this ceremony before when it was performed for my husband's aunt's house. I loved filling out the various colours for the different planets on the floor and the pundit ji explained the significance of all the colours. Married couples are supposed to do this puja and I will wear my bridal chunni after a little over five years. My mother chose it for me with a lot of love and care from a small shop in Lajpat Nagar in Delhi. I miss my mother and I wonder what she is doing right now. I wouldn't be surprised if she calls in about one minute's time. She has an immense sixth sense where I'm concerned. It amazes me many times. I believe most mothers have this quality. Sometimes I want to thank her for all that she has done for me over the years but I will feel like a fool if I even tried and she will be confused. But I want to thank her anyway for giving me birth and for keeping me alive.
I slept for an hour in the morning and managed to have a dream within that hour. My mind refuses to stop talking to me. My friends tell me I should try doing meditation to get rid of the chatter in my head. I like the chatter and with rare exceptions I love the dreams so I don't meditate.
For some reason the left and right clicks on the mouse have been interchanged. This also has happened before. Everyone got so used to it that when we eventually got a new one it felt weird for some time.
I think I need new lenses because the ones I wear now are getting foggier by the day and I can't see very well. For those of you who don't know I am terribly short sighted. I need glasses first thing in the morning. I wear lenses when I go out of the house or have my picture taken. Stupid useless vanity I guess.
For sometime I stopped wearing all jewellery aside from my watch and engagement ring. I felt lighter. I'm wearing diamonds today that my father chose with love and care to give me at my wedding. I cherish these tiny rocks. I don't know why I feel so awfully sentimental today. I remember when my father taught me to drive and I fought with him . I swore I would never learn from him again. He taught me anyway. I still don't drive but that's just because of my lack of practice. I was forever afraid to step on to an escalator. He took me up yelling and screaming anyway. I still avoid the escalator but sometimes I go up on it just to prove to myself that I can do it. I feel like thanking him too but again I will feel foolish and he will break into a booming laughter.
That's another thing he gave me which I cherish - a booming laughter. I want to thank him anyway for never expecting me to be successful and buying me a pair of black suede shoes with gold buckles way beyond his means.
Paul Young comes to mind
You can live in the love of the common people
that smiles from the heart of a family man.
Daddy's gonna buy you a dream to cling to,
Mama's gonna love you just as much as she can
and she can.
HMMMM.... huna huna huna

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Anonymous people

Yes it has been a month and I have not written anything on the blog. I didn't think anyone would notice really. I did try to write several times. I constantly deleted. My friends who are used to writing on the computer will know the activity very well.
You write one line and then you realise a) It's too personal b) It's not profound as you would like it to be c) You made too many spelling mistakes therefore broke the mood d) It just doesn't sound right in your head and e) Especially in my case it happens to be a fantastic dream you had which makes no sense to you so what sense will it make to someone who reads it.
I also realised that after recieving appreciation for the last post that I may not be too bad at handling prose either. The only difference being that poetry comes naturally to me... it's a wonderful place to express and sometimes to hide whereas prose is clear, concise and bound by rules and says exactly what it means and therefore I find it more difficult.
This is a public space as one of my friends reminded me and you have to be extremely careful in what you write here. He is right... which is why I will wait for another neutral subject to come to mind when I write next and I don't know when that will be... may be in the next few hours... may be I will dig up a poem or two.
Till then do keep leaving comments. Good or bad or whatever. As I've said before they always make me very happy. And thanks for noticing my absence. The passport people almost had me convinced I didn't exist.
I love anonymous people. It's always exciting not knowing although one hopes to know. For now they don't exist and yet they are alive... and watching.