Monday, June 17, 2013

Am I a fool or am I a fool?

"No one ever found wisdom without also being a fool. Writers, alas, have to be fools in public, while the rest of the human race can cover its tracks."- Erica Jong
Writers can feel like that even humble bloggers like me. The need to express is so deep and urgent that we lay bare our vulnerabilities open to the prying eyes of the world. The world which is sometimes kind and understanding and at other times cruel and judgmental. I admit I've tried writing a book and at the moment am failing at it miserably. I wrote three chapters and according to my friends they showed promise but they are my friends and they are supposed to say nice things about the junk I write. When I read these three chapters I do feel that I should continue to write but the words have not flowed for a while so I continue to write each day on this blog so that I would at least remember what it feels like to write for myself.

May be the truth is that I just don't have it in me to finish the book. Or may be I do but I'm scared shitless of what the world will say when my soul is laid bare on a collection of bound paper. May be my writing is going to be limited to this space and when I'm dead they will find passwords and instructions to delete the damn thing. I'm sorry I'm being rather depressing about the whole book thing. I was talking to a friend who had read the first two chapters and every time I talk to her she tells me to keep writing. I keep feeling guilty that I'm not living up to my potential every time someone tells me that. The guilt doesn't translate into actual writing. It makes me a little bit sad for a while and then I go on with my day as if nothing happened. What if I don't have potential? What if the subject of the book is wrong? What if the characters are not interesting enough? What if the plot has been written a thousand times before and I have nothing new to offer anyone?

Ah so many doubts live within  my heart that my fingers get paralysed and my mind numb. I close the 'book' file and go back to doing whatever inane thing I was doing before I began reading those three chapters for the nth time.

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