Thursday, July 12, 2012

Beautiful and doomed

Sinead O' Connor is a woman that comes and goes in and out of my life on a whim. I have a strong suspicion that she probably does pretty much everything on a whim in her life. I remember when I was in Bombay many years ago I discovered her purely by chance. It was a time of CDs and one didn't download music. I picked up her Best of Cd simply because I wanted to hear the song 'Nothing compares to you'. It's just one of those songs that my friends would be sure that I would love and they would not be wrong. I remember I got the CD home and as is my habit I always listen to the whole CD at least once before I decide that only the one song was worth it or there's more to the artist.

I listened to it and it was somehow a very angry woman screaming her lungs out and seemed almost in tears when she sang. It disturbed me somehow. I avoided the rest of the songs for the longest time. Then as circumstances went along and I went through a particularly trying time in my life I let the other songs walk in to my mind.  The first one I listened to many times is called 'Thank you for hearing me'. It begins as though a woman filled with gratitude thanks someone for many things till the anger and passion rises in her voice and she thanks him  (I'm guessing) for 'breaking my heart and tearing me apart'. Similarly I loved 'Stretched on your grave'. I listened to her songs over and over again for months those days and people who lived with me had to bear with Sinead screaming her little heart out on maximum volume. All I really had those days was music and I wasn't allowing anyone to take it away from me.

Then life changed and she walked out of my life one day without me realising it. I did try to hear her songs sometimes for the last few years but I could never hear even one complete song. She is disturbing because she feels so deeply and sings every time as though it is the last time and as though she is doomed forever. I recently saw a picture of her with Jesus tattooed on her chest. She seemed like a shadow of her old self. She has gained weight and seems to have faded into obscurity. When artists live with the depth of emotions as cruel as hers it reflects in their art. Somewhere within their soul they know that they are doomed and it makes them beautiful.

I can never forget the first time I saw her face in the video of 'Nothing compares to you'. Beautiful baby blue eyes, the perfect skin, lips and bald head. The single tear the escaped her cheek as she sang made me want to cry for her pain. Artists like that inject a storm into the psyche and leave devastation in their wake which is almost beautiful like death might be. Sinead is special and today she walked back into my life ever so suddenly just like she had walked out once with this song written by Bono. Hear it and may be you can see her beauty.

You made me the thief of your heart
Sinead O'Connor

I hope you're happy now..
I could never make you so...
You were a hard man...
No harder in this world
You made me cold, you made me hard
And you made me the
Thief of your heart

Winter is cold...oh!
But you're colder still
And for the first time
I feel like you're mine
I'll share you with the one who will
Mend what falls apart and turn
A blind eye to the thief of your heart

I'll never wash these clothes
I want to keep the stain
Your blood to me is precious
Nor would I spill it in vain.
Your spirit sings
Though your lips never part
Singing only to me
The thief of your heart

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