Saturday, January 02, 2010

the unbearable loss of anger

there was a time when i was about 12 or 13 when i would lose my temper terribly frequently. Those days are gone. Now I lose my temper very very rarely. My temper has not disappeared. It has taken the form of mild irritation wih the world in general. I'm wary of people and their biases, opinions and expectations.
May be I don't understand them very well.

People have an image of how other people should be and this has nothing to do with the way they themselves are in their own life. This leads to free advice and this causes a burning anger within me and I want to slap, scream and kick all at the same time.I flew into a rage yesterday over something like this after the longest time. I yelled and screamed at someone and if my darling husband hadn't come to my side and flown into a rage himself at this person, I might have slapped and kicked. In any case my darling husband also screamed and was ready to punch an kick himself so I calmed down and promptly ended up confused because I had forgotten how angry I could become given the 'right' stimulus.

I was quite surprised to see anshuman this angry. He almost never loses his temper. In any case I wish people would leave me well alone. I don't know if I was always a loner or circumstances turned me into one, the fact is that I am one. I like being a loner. I like eating alone, reading alone, having tea by myself, listening to the radio alone, riding the train alone, just being, just being alone. I am comfortable. Why do other people have to walk into my space and then get uncomfortable and then cause me to be uncomfortable.

Somewhere deep within my being I'm angry as hell. Honestly I prefer my dog to most people.

3 comments:

sonal sundararajan said...

big hug parul!

Parul Gahlot said...

thanks sonal :)

Shilpa said...

I feel like so reachin out to u after readin this one :) u know all my life iv been quite the opposite and for the first time in life im learnin to be by myself.. comfy in my own skin.. not wantin and waitin fr xternal people or situations to make me happy... im learnin to just be ..... and in this journey while im at it im realising what i missed all along... better late than never :)
and i so agree with u on not bein able to relate to the people... i often also cannot relate to the world we live in....i feel like an alien or that this world feels alien to me! ;)